stories from the middle earth press room

went with Other Half yesterday to the much-coveted island in the Philippines during WWII: Corregidor. had been intrigued with the island and its history for a long time now and this vacation leave of mine is the perfect time to go there.

we boarded the Sun Cruises ferry at 10.30 am at the CCP complex, just beside the Harbor.

surprisingly, the ferry was comfortable and clean...i was expecting something worse since we only paid about P1,700 each for the tour with buffet lunch.

after waiting for the latecomers, we left the dock a few minutes past 11 am and arrived on the island by 12.30. the water around the island is not really free from manila bay debris but an improvement over what you normally see and smell along roxas boulervard.

one of the major stops was the japanese cemetery which is the site of the mass grave for japanese soldiers. it was only discovered in the 1980s by accident. our guide told us (when Other Half and i were having a chat with him while the others were busy taking photos of -- themselves) that the site once had a wooden fence surrounding it but people didn't know what that was so no one bothered to see what was within the area.

near the japanese cemetery/memorial

one veteran, in his drunken ramblings, told somebody where they buried about 4,500 bodies of the japanese soldiers who died after corregidor was recaptured by the filipino and americans. the guide did not say where this american GI told his story but it was during the 80s. authorities verified his story by going there and -- voila! that place was indeed the Japanese mass grave.

that's the japanese goddess of sorrow?

so the philippine government informed the japanese government of the find and permitted them to erect a memorial for their fallen soldiers. you know how it is with the japanese and their soldiers...

while we were there, three japanese tourists were paying respects to the goddess' shrine and the old japanese lady on the wheel chair lowered her head and covered her face. it seemed like she was crying or something. Other Half andi concluded that she might have lost a loved one -- probably her husband or brother -- in corregidor.

when we "experienced" the lights and sound show in the malinta tunnel, the heavy feeling inside me only deepened. probably because the tunnel was eerie and musty. or something. basta, it was depressing to be there.

and the feeling grew heavier when i saw the lateral tunnels that caved in during the countless bombings. take note of the earlier photo which showed what it looked like and served as before one of the tunnels was destroyed.

you could only imagine just how many bombs, mortars, what-have-you hit the island. buildings that were supposed to be strong enough to withstand a war are just ghosts of their former glory. and to think the US government spent about $150 million by the end of the spanish-american war to fortify and improve the camp...

one of the many huge barracks

the mile long barracks

cine corregidor or the island's lone movie theater

have to cut this entry because blog.com may not accept long posts.

now that my life is somewhat altered, i can't help re-evaluating my life and my priorities. i went back and read my past articles on peyups to see if they still hold true, my beliefs i mean.

and i reread my mahirap magpaliwanag article and so far i still feel the same way. i know i'll never be happy leaving the country to live elsewhere. ngayon pa lang lang na feeling ko na hindi na ako makakauwi ng elbi madalas eh naiiyak na ako, pano pa kaya yung totally iiwanan ko ang pinas?

pero dahil sa wala pa kaming anak kaya feeling ko di namin kelangan mag-abroad.

on second thought, kung hindi naman kami mag-aanak ng marami eh siguro kaya naman. hindi ko naman hinangad na mag-aral sa ateneo ang mga lekat na yan eh. anjan naman ang UP. kung tatanggalin namin ni other half ang luho sa buhay (sa totoo lang, maluho kami compared sa paano ako lumaki), baka naman kaya.

kaya nga din kelangan pag-ibayuhin ang higher degree (thesis! oh my thesis!) para mas makakuha ng stable job na ok ang pasahod. nadadaan din yan sa raket. magaling naman ako sa raket although di ako nakakaraket ngayon.

i just don't know how long i will stay in the newspaper business. pero just thinking about leaving this makes me feel kinda -- what? heartsick? i love what i'm doing and any other job would become so boring for me. but later i would have to be practical because my present salary would not allow me to raise a kid. kahit nga boss ko nage-MBA so i think he will leave the business and pursue another career.

as i said, mahirap magpaliwanag. bahala na si batman.

lifted from gmanews.tv's transcript of the show, isang tanong.

MIKE ENRIQUEZ: At ngayon ating iimbitahin na si Dr Martin Bautista para magpunta na dito sa hot seat para sagutin nya ang itatanong ng Kapuso nating si Mel Tiangco.

VTR INTERVIEW: DR BAUTISTA: Madalas po akong umiyak ’pag nakakakita ako ng malungkot at naiiyak na ako. At hindi po akong nahihiyang umiyak. Masarap din ang pakiramdam ng umiiyak paminsan minsan. Hindi naman po nakakahiyang umiyak eh. -- *luthien: sige iyak na*

MIKE: Sina Congressman Escudero naman at Congressman Zubiri, aanyahan ko pong pumasok sataing sound proof cubicle. Sila po ay magkakabit ng headset kung tawagin. Parang siguradong siguradong na hindi po nila na maririnig ang tanong. At hindi po rin nila maririnig ang sagot. Kaya Mel...

MEL: Salamat Mike. Ang aking isang tanong: Mas maganda po kayang gamitin ang pork barrel sa isang impact project no ng gobyerno, imbes na paghati hatian ng mga kongresista. Tulad ng nangyayari ngayon.

DR BAUTISTA: Kung maaari lamang po ngayon, kung magkakaroon po tayo ng countrywide assistance fund at mailalagay ko yung isang buong cheke sa pgh o sa up, o sa gawad kalinga, gagawin ko po yun. pero sa under the current setup hindi po natin magagawa yun. napakaraming pagkakataon upang makagawa ng katiwalian sa current setup. Sa aking palagay eh mas mahusay na tanggalin na natin itong tinatawag na pork barrel dahil nga mas nakakasama sa atin, we have to decrease the opportunities for our politicians to steal. We have to decrease the opportunities for our politicians to become dishonest. And in such a set up I don’t think it is still time for us to be able to be presented with an opportunity like this in a corrupt system and behave in a manner that will show integrity and honesty.

MEL: So ayaw nyo ng pork barrel. Dr. Bautista si Mr Pabico po, Alex ay meron din pong tanong sa inyo.

ALEX: Ano ang posisyon nyo sa panukalang batas na nais paluwagin ang pagaangkat ng mura at abot kayang gamot, gayong ang kapatid nyo ay isang abogado ng isang malaking pharmaceutical na kumpanya sa bansa na tutol sa batas na to?

DR BAUTISTA: ‘Yun pong kasing pagiimport ng gamot po halimbawa in India is not the answer to the problem. Ang pinaka-importante po kasi is we have to identify yung nga gamot na kinakailangan ng ating mga pasyente dito sa pilipinas. At sarili nating gawin sa atin halimbawa po sa high blood pressure. Ang ating inaangkat po sa ibang bayan ang tawag po ay.... Magagawa naman po natin ang hydro... dito sa Pilipinas. Ginagawa natin ito since 1950. Ang ... po sa India 40 pesos, kung gagawin po natin ang hydro.... Ang kahalagahan po nyan dito sa ating bayan ay dyes sentimos. Na ang kinakailangan po ay magkaroon po tayo ng pananampalataya sa kakayahan natin na gumawa ng sarili nating gamot. ’Wag na po tayong aasa sa import. ’Yun po ang nangyayari sa atin wala na tayo na ginagawa na produkto. Lahat pong ginagamit natin ay either ini-import natin o inuutang natin. Kinakailangan na mag-umpisa na po tayo

MEL: Marami pong salamat, Mr Bautista

DR: Salamat po

based from this transcript, i'm glad i didn't vote for him. i'm not really sold out dun sa sagot nya about importing meds from india. halatang-halata na may self-interest or conflict of interest pa rin and flawed yung reasoning nya for me.

lam ba ng mga tao na ang mga pharma na yan eh hinaharangan yung milk code na yan dahil sa makakalaban yung mga mahal na gatas nila? lam ba ng mga tao na ang isang P100-per capsule na antibiotic eh pwede mabili sa thailand na P8 per capsule lang? alam ba ng mga mambabatas na ang pobreng pinoy isa lang ang kayang antibiotic na bilhin eh ang reseta 7 days nya iinumin, 3x a day kaya lalo siyang nagkakasakit dahil hindi makabili ng wastong dosage?

hala sige. kampihan pa ang mga pharma na yan.

---

MIKE: Narito po ang unang tanong na nanggaling kay Nikki Coseteng. Dr, should OFW remittances be given better exchange rate? Di ba dapat mas maganda ang halaga ng piso sa halaga ng dolyar sa mga remittance ng mga OFW? Kasi ngayon ang rate po ng palitan ng piso sa dolyar ng ofw ay kaparehas lang ng rate ng iba pa. Doktor?

DR. BAUTISTA: Makasasama pa nga ho yun kung bibigyan natin sila ng magandang rate pero mas mahalaga po kasi kinakailangan ang priorities ng pamahalaan natin. We have to straighten it out, we have to continue to invest in education and in health. To make our overseas workers more competitive in a global economy. Ang nangyayari katulad ko po manggagamot na galing sa pgh napilitan na pumunta sa ibang bayan dahil wala naman pong kinabukasan dito sa atin. Nung pong 1989, nung pagbalik ko po dito 2006, mas lalong pa pong sumama ang ating bayan. Kinakailangan po na we have to make painful choices today. Umpisahan na po natin yun, magsama sama na po tayo to make investments in education and health care. One percent lang ang nilalagay natin in health care, 11% in education, 28% sa pagbayad ng utang natin. Interest pa lang ho ng utang yun. We have to make painful choices, we have to be together here.

like huuuuuuuwaaaaaaaaaaat? anlabo ng tanong, anlabo lalo ng sagot.

you just don't set up exchange rates that easily, stupid. there are so many economic factors at play there. hellloooooo! a senator cannot just say, "okay, let's make the peso P78 to the US$ so that our OFWs would have more money to send to the philippines." kelangan mag-enroll sa econ 11 ang mga ito.

MIKE: Marami pong salamat Dr Bautista. At susunod po na kukuha ng tanong po dito sa ballot box ay si kandidatong Miguel Zubiri, congressman. Ang tanong po na sasagutin nyo ay gawa po ni Atty Adrian sison ng partidong Kapatiran. Paliwanag nyo nga po ang inyong plataporma tungkol sa poverty alleviation, congressman

ZUBIRI: ’Yung poverty alleviation, alam mo galing ako sa Mindanao at nakikita po natin ang kahirapan po ng tao mga dyan, ng ating mga kababayan dyan. At isa po dyan ay kailangan ay bigyan po natin sila ng sapat na trabaho. Nakita ko na po yan sa Maguindanao nung nangyari na kung saan si Coco Paglas ng Maguindanao ay nagdala po ng napakagandang industriya ng export ng bananas sun sa kanilang mga ksaamahan kaya dahil dun ay nagkaron po ng tigil putukan sa Maguindanao at napakarami almost 11,000 jobs ang nabigyan po ni Coco Paglas dun sa area niya at yan din po ang dapat gawin natin sa iba’t-ibang areas sa ating bansa. Dapat magkakaroon po tayo ng job generation kung saan bibigyan po natin sila ng sapat na pagkakataon na buhayin muli ang kanilang pamilya at lalong umunlad ang ating bansa especially the rural areas nandun po yung biofuels, biofuels program pwede po tayong magtanim ng jatropa ng ethanol production, cassava, mais, ah tubo na gagamitin ni... meron na po tayong batas at ihahalo sa ating gasoline. These are…

surprisingly, zubiri makes more sense. nasurprise ako.

at nasurprise din ako dito:

MARITES: Magandang gabi ho. Mabilis ang paglaki ng ating populasyon. Mga 88 million na ngayon mula nang 77 million sa year 2000 at nawawala na ang mga libreng contraceptives na ibinibigay ng US AID next year. Ipaglalaban nyo ho ba na magbigay ang Department of Health ng line budget para sa mga contraceptives dahil natural family planning lamang ang ini-endorso ng Arroyo administration?

NIKKI: Napatunayan po na ang natural family planning ay isang bagay na hindi talaga natural para sa tao. At ah, kung tutuusin po natin yung laki ng populasyon, nandon ang nagbibigay ng napakatinding ahm mga iba pang problema sa lipunan at sa kapaligiran. At yung naniniwala na magmula sa murang edad pa lamang sa elementary hanggang high school dapat magkaroon ng sapat na kaalaman tungkol sa ating katawan, tungkol sa sex education. Hindi kailangan itong maging negatibo dahil ngayon ang mga bata nage-eksperimento dahil wala silang pinagkukunan ng impormasyon. Yung sinasabi nyong contraceptives, safe and modern methods of contraception, must be made available dahil ang estado ay may karapatan at may responsibilidad na pangalagaan ang ah kaayusan ng pamumuhay dito sa ating bansa. Yun responsible parenthood, pino-promote po yan pero kasama dyan dapat alam din ng mga magulang kung anong mga operatiba na ligtas.

i never thought somebody would publicly support family planning and go against the catholic church. nyahaha. tingnan na lang natin kung anong gagawin nila sa senado pag nakaupo na ang mga lintek na yan...teka, ano na nga ba rank ng mga to?

pero sa totoo lang kaya nawalan din ako ng drive para bumoto nung 14 kasi parang wala akong iboboto talaga sa mga candidates na yan. para bang jaded na ako. kainis. pare-pareho lang naman silang trapo que bata, que beterano pa.

sabi nga lang ni howie severino sa blog entry nya, dapat magpaubaya na lang daw ang mga journalists at wag na bumoto para di makita ang bias. haha. may magandang excuse na ako para di bumoto talaga.

my mother-in-law and i were just talking about the elections over dinner earlier and we touched on the issue of the summary killings (the tv was tuned to tv patrol world, showing pinoys in japan holding a protest against the killings during GMA's visit to tokyo)...

my in-laws are from eastern visayas where many activists were killed or gone missing.

my mother-in-law told me that people in their province --in the capital -- were in favor of the killings because it made their province "more peaceful". my father-in-law was even sending me forwarded text messages before the elections, telling me to vote for jovito palparan's party list. never in a hundred years woud i vote for that man.

other half and his family are right of center. my family and i are left of center. how we can meet halfway is something else. i don't know how other half and i would raise children when we have different set of beliefs and politics -- and to think that i am passionate about what i believe in.

i grieve for the murdered journalists and for the "death of press freedom" (starting with the libel cases against journalists by the first gentleman that thankfully he withdrew). other half said they deserved it since some of the journalists were corrupt anyway.

the priest that officiated our wedding told us in his sermon that marriage is a union of uniqueness and it does not necessarily mean that we have to become a carbon copy of each other -- that marriage is a celebration of our individuality under one union.

it's easier said than done.

i wasn't worried about our differences before we got married because it seems like the gap didn't bother us that much. i didn't have to agree with him at that time because we weren't married -- yet.

but hearing my mother-in-law talk that way did i realize that other half came from a different background and was raised very differently from me. graduating from the same university is not an assurance that our beliefs and politics would complement. yun pa man din ang criteria ko dati, sabi ko dati taga-UP lang ang ieentertain kong maging bf/asawa kasi para mas madali kaming magkaintindihan. eeenggk! mali ang akala ko.

how can i still keep my "individuality" and beliefs without sacrificing my marriage? i haven't met couples pa naman na magkaibang-magkaiba ang paniniwala nila.

the first time i read the papers since friday was yesterday and it seems like i didn't miss much action. should stop reading the papers for the remainder of my vacation. should not subject myself to thoughts of going back to my hectic and toxic life. baka masanay ako at hindi na nga maengganyong bumalik sa work. hahahaha.

----

some random stuff:

1) i can spend thousands of pesos for a tech/gadget but could not bring myself to buy a single clothing item that would cost me a thousand pesos. kung meron man na pagkakataon na nakabili ako ng ganon, minsan isang taon lang. so in the end mukha akong basura.

2) i recently bought an imitation lacoste bag for P500 (from a tiangge in ortigas) that people mistook for the genuine article. i bought the thing for its color (it's fire engine red) and the size and space inside. just as i was enjoying the roomy bag, it gave up on me after a week and a half. dami ko kasi isinasaksak eh. that's P500 down the drain.

3) i can live without tv for a month.

4) but cannot live without anything to read in a day.

5) mas malakas yata ako uminom ke other half.

6) i'm giving myself 2 years before i would shift to windows vista. kaya ko kaya yun? sabagay may mga taong naka-windows 98 pa hanggang ngayon. sa desk nga namin windows 98 pa rin sila. hehe. kaya nga di na gumagana yung internet explorer nila at mga kung anu-ano nang errors ang lumalabas.

7) i would rather be in a hot place than in a cold place. lamigin ako. can't live in a temperate zone.

8) frustrated vet ako. atsaka frustrated painter...me talent daw ako nung highschool, sabi ng classmate ko na kasama sa art club. ewan ko ba bat hindi ko napangalagaan yun. ang tawag ng stage eh mas malakas, ika nga. kaya naman hindi ako nagtuloy sa vet kasi antagal naiinip ako (6 years!) at bigla ako natakot sa chem 40.

9) dream role ko nun si eponine sa les miserbles. mahilig ako sa mga tragic figures eh.

10) i was writing my own sweet dreams stories when i was in highschool and i let my friends read these. unfortunately, wala akong natapos na kahit isa. tumulo ang uhog ko sa pagbabasa ng unang sweet dreams book, yung p.s. i love you.

11) i wrote a short story about joshua jackson and my fictional character. i was so inspired by dawson's creek at that time that i was propelled to write the joshua jackson story. crush ko kasi nun si pacey. that was waaaaaaaaaaay before katie became mrs. tom cruise.

12) dumaan ako sa mga RL Stine and christopher pike stage nung highschool. then i graduated to sidney sheldon. i read little women, the little prince, kangkong 1896, (greek) mythology by edith hamilton and sangkatutak na mills and boon at barbara cartland nung summer bago ako mag-first year highschool. wala ako magawa kasi.

13) di ko nagustuhan si danielle steel. ewan ko kung bakit. wala akong natapos na libro nya.

14) ang pinaka gusto kong libro in terms of vivid description that i could almost feel, smell and taste the millieu, the scenes or setting eh the good earth because pearl s. buck almost made me feel like i was in china while i was reading the book. i finished it in 2 days. ang isa pa is yung god of small things. i could almost feel the humidity of india just by reading that.

15) madali kong makalimutan ang mga bestseller books. ewan ko. hindi sa snob ako o ano pero eto yung mga librong di ko uulitin.

16) dan brown is a lousy writer. his plot is interesting enough and the events were gripping but in terms of prose, he sucks. walang ka=art art.

17) i enjoy harry potter. i love JRRTolkien (naku luthien, obvious ba?!)

18) i'm looking for diana wynn jones's howl's moving castle and the Earthsea series by ursula k. le guin

19) i'm 28 but still hooked on anime. darn.

20) i think i'll never grow up.

salamat sa lahat ng dumalo.

hindi na mauulit. hehehe.

I remember one time when my bandmates were having a pre-gig dinner with the owner of the bar where we regularly played, the owner was talking about her late husband who died prematurely and how they went to bars to listen to good music and booze -- basically to have a good time.

She told us that she and her husband would go to places where there's good music and go to places they both enjoyed. They do things together.

At that time I was envious of her because she had someone, albeit for a short time only, to enjoy things like these. Enjoy each other's company and do the things they both enjoyed.

At that time I was doubting if there was such a person for me and that time I was so down that I was considering single blessedness for the rest of my life. Honestly, my exes were kinda off-tangent for me. One did not even READ -- I mean read an honest-to-goodness book. It was a major turn off for a writer like myself and I wonder how he ended being my boyfriend. The other one read but his interests did not interest me and he was shallow that I could cry. The last one read and used books to get nearer to me but I discovered he was a major asshole -- so enough said.

And I haven't had any experience drinking with them. None. Nada. Sorry, i gauge the character of a guy based on my experience drinking with him. hahaha.

It was only last night did I realize that I am marrying a man whom I often go out with to bars to enjoy good music. He often brought me to Conspiracy to listen to Joey Ayala and Cookie Chua. And I often get drunk with him. Hehehe.

When I am with him, it feels safe to get drunk and he does not have any problems with that, as far as I know. Maybe as long as I don't embarrass him -- when I get drunk I do a lot of weird stuff like talk in English non-stop with call center twang even before it was in "vogue". Ask my college barkada. Hehe. I often walked around in my bestfriend's house (where we often had our drinking spree) talking like an Atenista. And there's this casette tape to prove my non-stop drunken ramblings.

I am marrying a man who buys more books than I do. We even had a race on who could finish the thickest Harry Potter book and Angels and Demons so that whoever finishes first would have the benefit of spilling the details. We go to museums together. We travel together. He watches more movies than I do. And much to my dismay, he watches more TV than I do in a week.

Even though our politics are poles apart, we talk about politics. Actually, we talk about a lot of stuff. Sometimes we don't talk to each other as we are already contented doing our stuff is each other's presence.

I am a nagger and he is a slowpoke when it comes to getting things done and we get on each other's nerves. I am violent and quick to anger and he can handle the volatile antsy me and that's quite a feat. He knows that I have this bad habit of not acknowledging my mistakes -- that I was wrong -- and sometimes I can get away with that.

Sometimes he gets annoyed that I'm too independent-minded and tend to do things my way. I am hard-headed and stubborn and so far for six years we haven't broken up.

And that's a long time considering that we didn't like each other the first time we met.

--

I remember when we were just in the "courtship stage" he had this brod who had a crush on me (and he was the type who would fall for any person who could wear a skirt) and professed his "love" over the phone. I turned down the guy right there and then with a few thought-provoking maanghang words.

Now I wonder…Other Half did not even "profess his love" for me that time. *sabay irap* He did not even say he loved me! *head scratch* Come to think of it, I am marrying a man who did not even say he loves me when he was "courting" me.

Dang.

And that's six years and counting

...because i was working. dammit!

would've gone to the precint but as fate would have it, i was tied to my laptop until 4 pm. sarado na presinto.

add to that the ngarag moments regarding my upcoming wedding that has made my mom more praning than i am. ewan ko ba bakit eh ako nga mas namomroblema pa sa work ko kesa sa kasal. ngarag ako this week kasi mas praning nanay ko. mas excited pa siya sa kin. hirap nun.

sabi ng kapatid ko para daw di mukhang engot ang excuse ko, sabihin ko na lang daw, "i did not vote because this election is a farce!"

--

i was down -- really down the last few days. something happened to me and work and this incident really slapped my face, waking me up to the reality that this is a dog-eat-dog world depite appearances. i have to write ambigously since malay ko ba sino nang nakakabasa.

masasabi ko lang nice people get eaten.

--

so now i have trouble sleeping and my stomach is in knots, noit because of the wedding but because of my personal dilemma with work. because of this, i downed 2 to 3 bottles of vodka with my cousin and sisters. kulang pa, di ako nalasing. bwiset.

...'cause i'm getting married next week.

and i've been running around metro manila these past few weeks. i'm tired. actually nakalimutan ko nga na ikakasal na ako kung di lang ipinamamalita ng mga kasama ko sa bawat presscon na maputahan namin. di ko pa nga alam kung ayos na lahat talaga pero as far as i know ok na.

seriously, i'm really f*cked up now. can't even describe my situation right now. would have to ask my boss for additional 2 days. hope my substitutes won't kill me.

my colleagues in the industry and i are really pissed off with this malacanang-backed text message campaigns that extoll the "virtues" of team unity *barfs* and hit independents and genuine opposition (GO) candidates with such force that you wonder if these guys would "play fair" come may14.

nakakainis pa dito eh sabay-sabay na dadating sa amin yung computer-generated text messages na 'to (as vic agustin told us over lunch one time). once a day is already annoying but my god! they send us text messages almost every hour or at least 5 times a day on weekends.

one time i was already at boiling point, i texted back, "please stop sending me these messages. they're annoying." no, reply. i thought, bitch!

since another person confirmed that these are computer-generated, it gave me more courage to send/text expletives to the hapless machine just to let the steam out.

nung una kala ko one-time-big-time na naligaw na text eh. tapos habang may mga importanteng bagay ka na ginagawa (i.e. ambush interview), magtetext sila. tapos syempre babasahin mo habang nagiinterview ka kasi baka utos galing opisina yun, di ba? tapos ngali-ngali mo nang maibato cellphone mo nang mabasa mo: "Hanep talaga tong si tol Mike Defensor. 3 taong nanungkulan sa HUDCC at nagawa ang mga pabahay...blah blah...iba talaga ang manilbihan mula sa puso" or something to that effect, which is really puke-worthy.

i think some PR firm gave our numbers to malacanang to send us these holy-shit text messages everyday. or some PR firm sold our numbers to the TU machinery. nakakapagtaka kasi lahat kaming reporters same thing ang natatanggap at the same time. pag tinanong ko naman yung ibang kilala o kamag-anak ko, wala naman silang natatanggap.

some fucked up dude in TU is having a grand time raining these "libelous" messages.

mind you, hindi ako GO pero naiirita ako sa mga unsolicited text messages na 'to. and i doubt it if NTC would penalize whoever's behind this.