randy pausch, the carnegie mellon professor who delivered his wildly popular last lecture before a jampacked auditorium in his alma mater, died on friday (sat, manila time).

basically he told us to live the life to the fullest and achieve your dreams because you are only given one shot at it.

why am i talking about him now?

it has been three years (on monday) since my father, also a university professor, died in his sleep. was he able to give his last lecture? not probably to his students. probably to us, during his last days. or probably his whole life with us is one big “last lecture”.

but he is not the best person to give a last lecture and he would be the first one to say that. first of all he did not live his life to the fullest and he was a very bitter man to the very end. he harbored so much anger and hatred against those who hurt him and he had so many baggage that even his children were forced to carry them. he had so many regrets and he didn’t realize that those things have come to pass and nothing could ever change them. but rather he should have focused on what he could do at the present time when he had the chance.

those are words from the song the rain by foreverinmotion. i find these lines so apt and that what is pausch tried to instill in us. i wish my father did see that.

but other than that, he was a good father in a sense he was always there for us, even if he was not the cuddly father type that we see on TV. he always taught us to be morally upright and fight for those who are less fortunate than us. he taught us to love this damned country. he always had our needs his priority before his own. as i said before, he would always rather use his old advan shoes than buy a new good one so just we could have new ones for school.

my father, i think, craved recognition, just like the rest of us. but he did not get it from several quarters because he operated outside the system. if given the chance, he challenged the system. and he told me that those who try to challenge the system always get whopped up in the ass or get killed. and even in UP — an environment that nurtures challengers — those who try to go against the brick wall will have a hard time.

so what was his last lecture to me? i don’t really see it as a lecture but three days before he died as i was about to leave for UP diliman, he talked to me about getting married and he told me to tell Other Half that he could get a permanent position in this and that…he ranted about GMA imposing a de facto martial law and we are in deep shit… that monday i was hurrying to get back to manila because GMA was about to block SLEX in preparation for her SONA and the government was preventing “destabilizers” from entering metro manila. i was worried i may get stranded in elbi and may not be able to attend my class.

i was having a rather severe asthma attack that day (and funny, i have an asthma attack today, too) he told me not to drink cold water for breakfast as it may induce more coughing. he cooked breakfast for me.

i wish i had not left that day. to hell with GMA, the blocking of SLEX and her SONA. i could have sat down longer at the dining table and listened to my father talk. i did not know that it would be the last time i would hear him talk. i didn’t know it was the last time that he would talk to me.

and that’s the essence of my father’s death. everything fades and we have to seize the moment for it will all come to pass. lucky for pausch, he realized this before his time is up. he learned to let go. i hope my father in his last hours was able to.