“remember me when i am gone
gone faraway into the silent land
when you can no more hold me by the hand
nor i half turn to go, yet turning stay…”

my aunt (my father’s sister) died on tuesday in their home. she was confined in UST hospital and asked his younger brother to bring her home. my cousin told me that when they finally arrived, my aunt woke up from her deep sleep (or coma?) and her eyes swept the whole ground floor of their house as if she’s reassuring herself that she’s home and died shortly right after.

i went home to my parents’ hometown yesterday and paid respects to my aunt-godmother who, in some ways, took care of her younger siblings when they were kids. my uncle — her husband — was telling me yesterday that he used to drag my father along to somewhere (i can’t remember) when he was just a foot high (probably younger than 7 years old). when he caught my father (who was in gradeschool at that time) smoking a cigarette, he put my father inside a sack and hung him from a beam that jutted out of their roof as punishment. my father was really a naughty boy.

the mountain that looms over us, you’ll feel its strong presence as soon as you step outside the gate

anyway, when i was chatting with this uncle, i felt that he seemed like he was there but was really not there.

i understood the feeling of not being there. something like your spirit is traveling back in time, rewinding scenes then moving fast forward then rewind again…being there physically but your mind is trying to find itself within the time warp you enveloped yourself with.

he kept on repeating that he is now all alone in the house and i was not sure if he was talking to me or talking to that someone now lying inside the coffin infront of us. but technically it was not true because his youngest son lives with him while the eldest lives next door.

but again i understood why he was saying that.

his hair now all had gone white and they were fewer now compared with the last time i saw him. he looks almost bald. his voice has gone too soft that sometimes i couldn’t hear him. he often touched the coffin, as if he’s still reassuring her it would still be alright.

when we had lunch, my other uncle, the younger brother who brought my aunt to the hospital, suggested to my cousin that they should move the internment/burial to friday instead of sunday, which was the original plan. although he did not really expound on it, i understood why he even suggested it. on sunday the public cemetery will be so crowded that it would almost be impossible for us to bury my aunt. plus my uncle said none of his siblings nor their parents wanted a long wake — they have this aversion to long wakes.

but my cousin didn’t want it cut short. they sort of got into an argument about that. after veering to another topic, my cousin stood up from the table with the subject of a shorter wake left hanging in mid-air.

i understood also why my cousin didn’t want to do that. it was as if he doesn’t want to say goodbye yet and face the painful reality of having another gaping hole inside that home where my father and the rest of the family once lived.

having experienced a looooong and exhausting wake (we were waiting for an uncle to come home from the US before we cremated my father three years ago), i agree that we shouldn’t stretch it to like 6 days. it’s too exhausting. but then the children of the departed are the ones who are going to decide at the end of the day.

–

during that same lunch, my uncle (we were the ones left on the table) was telling me my father did not give him any premonition of his death. among the family members who have died, it was only my father who slipped away like that. i almost told him that having premonitions is really a bad thing but i held back.

because of the premonition, i blamed myself for not doing something about my dream wherein my father said goodbye to me on the hospital bed. then 4 days after that dream he really died yun nga lang he was on his own bed. for a year i was blaming myself for not coming home soon, that i should’ve come home earlier or i should never have gone to manila that week so he could’ve had someone with him when he slipped away. or i could’ve taken him to the hospital.

but then my brother told me it was better that way since seeing my father the way he saw him would haunt me forever. he told me it was better that way or i would be a a major nutcase until now. actually, it would not have been horrific since he looked like was just sleeping but then there’s this guilty feeling inside of me that he didn’t have to die alone in the house.

–

anyway, my uncle said in the course of 15 years, there were already 5 deaths in the family. and the bad thing here is that all the deaths were painful and all long-drawn deaths, if there’s such a thing. except for my father’s. it was like one death every three years.

my uncle told me that my grandfather told him in a dream that they should find a way to stop the “curse”, he said. he knew that they have this “bondage” and he had to find a way to cut the cord. if you’re going to be unscientific about it, it is because the family practiced “witchcraft” if you’re going to base the definition from the bible.

if you go the scientific route, it is because they suffered from diabetes and some have died from complications brought about by it. in addition, my aunt suddenly suddenly exhibited signs of cancer during her last hospitalization but was not properly diagnosed because she succumed to pneumonia (diabetes-related) before they could get to her supposed skin cancer. my grandfather died without the doctors properly diagnosing him, whether it was really cancer (lymphoma) or something else that killed him in the end. my uncle and my father both died from heart ailments (cardiac arrest did them in), complications from diabetes while my grandmother…it was a mystery. i cannot remember.

this bondage, in my opinion, is called the curse of genetics. and because of this curse, my uric acid level is above the normal limit, therefore i should refrain from eating asparagus (yum), mushrooms (yum yum), beans and bulalo. and beer. damn it.

yeah, i agree it’s now a curse.

got a new wallet-drainer.

Other Half’s cousin gave me his old Holga 120 which uses, obviously, a 120 film format that you cannot find in ordinary film processing centers or film stores. we were just talking about photography (Other Half wanted to pursue his photography ek-ek seriously so he’s interested in the cheap dslrs peddled now) and topic veered towards lomography. told him i was lusting after a 35mm lomo cam  i saw at jenniecastilllo’s mutliply but i cannot commit yet because pursuing this hobby is expensive. we’re talking about films here, you know.

he asked me what do i think about holgas. i said i would’ve bought a holga (P3,000) if it was as cheap as the vivitar (P1,300) i was eyeing. 

then he said if i want he would give me his old holga. “really?no really, you’re kidding me,” i said. true enough he got back inside his house (he just lives across his dad’s house where we were last night; his mom is our ninang sa kasal) and gave me his holga.

hehehe. now i will shoot photos like crazy, just like the first time i got myself a digicam more than five years ago. the only thing here is it’s difficult to get my hands on 120 film formats.

i am not asking for dancing robots nor super nano computers. i’m not expecting a CES-type show.

all i’m asking is variety. more exhibitors. new products. the problem with the CEL show at the SMX (october 24 to 26) was that it seemed like only the T3 advertisers were invited to the show, thus, it lacks variety. it didn’t have the oommph it promised. all the products that shown there were the exact ones you’ll encounter in their showrooms at the mall nearest you — except for the ginoromous Panasonic flat screen TV there that costs P2 million a piece.

that thing wouldn’t fit in our house.

anyway, to give you an idea how anemic CEL is, look at this map.

they should’ve renamed this the T3 Best Advertisers Show. all you see there are apple, LG, nokia, samsung, sony, canon and HP. the rest of the exhibitors are blah. nakakainis dito, wala namang bago sa products nila, except for apple kasi steve jobs launched new macbooks. sabi sa ticket Asus was supposed to be there but it was nowhere to be found. No Sanyo, toshiba, those lesser known korean and taiwanese brands. not that i have their products but still, one of the reasons why people go to consumer elctronics shows is that they want to see for themselves that there are options. but this show failed to give me that.

and they had the gall to charge people P50 for the entrance when you wouldn’t see much. mas magandang nagpunta na lang ako sa SM north dun sa cyberzone nila dun mas masaya pa ako. at least dun kita mo may choice ka. the CEL was a fluke. sana natulog na lang ako nung sunday at di nag-aksaya ng oras at effort (imagine, i came from cainta) for the CEL.kaya naman din nagmukhang me laman ang CEL dahil may mga kotse na nakadisplay dun.

here are the few things that caught my eye:

landi-cious canon point and shoot (the baby blue one was being
used by the sales guys when i took this picture)

that one i think would be perfect for my mom, who wanted to buy her own digicam.

all in all, nasayang ang araw ko this weekend. sana natulog na lang ako.

Other Half asked me what would i like to receive as a birthday gift. i told him “a trip to japan”.

instead he got me this:

this is a set of japanese dolls, which we think represents the imperial court. don’t be fooled, this things is huge, bigger than our 15″ CRT comupter monitor. he got it on ebay.ph reeaaallly cheap. as in dirt cheap if you know the going price for these babies. the owner is married to a japanese national and the whole family is moving back to japan. they just wanted to get rid of a lot of stuff before leaving. the former owner said she has another one but she is still having second thoughts whether to sell it or not.

a coworker told me to transfer to another place, far far away from where i’ve stationed myself for almost 2 years. she warned me it is not good for my sanity in the long run. and she told me how she found out that i am being betrayed by the person whom i thought was nice, someone whom i could trust.

it hurts. i cannot elaborate. i know i shouldn’t shed tears but right now they are streaming down my face.

but then Other Half said, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. ergo, i declare war.

and what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. good luck to me.

markets have become so irrational that you cannot predict where it would go. if you’re a long-haul investor, it’s the time to buy. really nice prices, cheap ones for good companies. if you’re a speculator, then good luck to you. i won’t join you when you jump from the stock exchange building.

a new colleague told me that she works in another place because the place where i usually hang out drains the life out of her. she told me the “aura” is so different — malicious and malevolent — that it saps her strength at the end of the day. she was usually unhappy when she gets home.

and i suddenly had an epiphany…so that was why i was always tired and edgy for almost two years because of that! so that’s why i felt like i’ve been dodging bullets everyday for the past 20 months and that was why every 3 months i feel like i’m burning myself to smithereens.

it’s the environment. it’s the people.

i knew it was that but i couldn’t put my finger exactly what it was, that dark veil over me…that keeps me from enjoying my job.

as i’ve told my bestfriend over a couple of beers this weekend, 70 percent of the difficulties in my work is brought about by _____. it’s not the work per se but dealing with difficult people is the most draining aspect of my job right now.

and the solution is to move away, change places. but how?

it’s easier said than done.

you know the mantra: let market forces do their thing, governments should not interfere…

and now look at what is happening. in the end, it’s the governments who are going to save the markets when forces led them into a spiraling abyss. it’s the lax regulation or the lack thereof that precipitated this problem.

this crisis will rewrite many economics and business books. would this dampen the enrollment of MBA foreign students in the US?

who knows?

i have so many books on my bedside table now that they threaten to topple over my bags on the floor. i have so many papers to write plus 3 articles due tonight.

but here i am reading kitty go’s 2nd book chic happens, which Other Half bought me the other day.

i am having a hard time reading this slim book because a) it doesn’t have a plot, b) it needs to be edited (and it irritates me no end) c) i have to write down the “cheat list” (i.e. the names of characters and their equivalent in real life) on the book itself so that i will not get lost. i don’t move in high circles so it’s hard deciphering who these people are. in short i don’t know these people personally but some of them i know only from the business side of things.

* the z*bels i only get to interview them once in a while (they’re our crushes; can’t decide whom i like better, JAZA or fernando. oh, i also have a crush on kitty go’s bro who handles the mini-stop biz. i complained to him it’s hard to find his sister’s book when i got a chance to chat with him. he said it is available online and some powerbooks stores. his bro is reaaaaalllly nice). same thing for the ar*netas, the sys, the t*ns (l*cio t*n), the g*kongweis, the lopezes etc. i mean i only know them because of business.

so ok, back to kitty go’s book. what makes it a compelling read despite the flaws is that it gives you a picture that “high society” isn’t really respectable at all. most of the time — err, most of the photos featuring these “high society” are filled with social climbers making the trek to mount everest. the old money are not really compelled to have their photos taken and splashed on every chi-chi page of broadsheets and magazines, methinks.

i stopped buying preview magazine years ago, when kitty go was gone. what i liked to read there was the “the good, the bad, and the ugly” that earned the ire of many celebs and society figures. call it schandenfreude i don’t buy local fashion magazines because the people (and the clothes) they’re featuring there aren’t really fashionable and noteworthy. i don’t buy the local fashion mags as much as the local home design (real living) and tech/gadget magazines because of the featured parties and people the likes of maurice arcache and tim yap love to document.

(oh god. and to think i used to be a lifestyle correspondent before for another paper).

i read vogue. hahaha. (ganun din yun) at least kahit na puno ng artifez at social climbing din, at least they have fashion. and taste.

they say the unbelievable things that social climbing would do that are in chic happens are true.

*in the same vein that the things in jul*e y*p d*za’s ett*quette for mis*resses are said to be true. one morning in taiwan, i get to chat with her over breakfast about her book (which i read) and she named some characters there even though i do not even know who the hell those people are. i told her my sister bought her book so she can give that to a friend who is an ilusyonada mistress. the author told me “hay, thank your sister for me and tell her that her friend needs to wake up! that making herself known and lantad to the real wife would not make her man leave the legal wife!”  that chit-chat continued over tea one afternoon, about this editor or that newpaper person’s liasons…juicy i tell you. kami rin naman sa industriya namin chismoso talaga.*

anyway i digressed.

point is, these social climbers are making a big fool of themselves and society people are laughing so hard behind their backs.

nakakatawang isipin na kahit sa D-E markets me mga social climbers din…sa lahat ng classes. merong ganyan sa highschool batch namin hanggang ngayon. kaya yung bestfriend ko minsan ayaw sumama pag yun ang nagyayaya ng gimmick kasi ang trip nung classmate kong yun eh rumampa sa bonifacio high street, rumampa sa greenbelt, gusto mga beautiful people ang mga kasama…buti na lang inaway nya ako nung 2nd year highschool kami so i don’t have to suffer her company that much ngayong matatanda na kami.

hindi kaya nila narerealize na social climbing is soooo a lot of work? just reading about their exploits make me exhausted.

markets are falling around us. indonesia had just suspended trading for the day after falling by 10 percent. everything is so murky right now no one could see the bottom. iceland’s banking sector is melting down while other central banks had an emergency rate cut.

so what?

wala lang. magulo lang mundo ko ngayon.

pano ba nagsimula ang lahat ng ito?

remember the smug kamag-anaks you have in the states? “here in america, you can easily have a car and a big house! kumpara sa pinas 10 taon ka na nagtatrabaho wala ka pang kotse. dito kahit nurse ka lang pwede ka nang magka-BMW.” yes BMW, i kid you not.

anyway, those smug kamag-anaks are now crying their brains out.

they can easily have those luxuries because the US financial system allowed them to live beyond their means. lenders extended loans to people without collateral nor equity (i.e. your share) for the house you’re buying but in return they charge you high interest rates because these people — with low income relative to the amount they’re borrowing or house that they are buying — are considered risky.

it was easy to get loans there for just about anything. you just have to fill up a form and they will believe what you are declaring there without credit investigation whatsoever. america was filled with NINJA loans i.e. loans that are extended to those with No Income, No Jobs, No anything. people there have 10 credit cards. they don’t pay in cash, even for a band-aid (as my sister related when she had a stint manning the cash register in my aunt’s deli in chicago). when you hit your credit limit, you get another card where you could borrow money to pay off your first credit card. the deadly cycle goes on.

they don’t save. to pay for their childern’s tuition and what-have-you, families sell their house and just get another loan to buy another house. now, don’t tell me i’m ridiculous. this is what a british economist told me almost three years ago and as early as that he already predicted america is heading for a hard landing precisely because of this.

subprime = you are not a prime borrower. more or less you are one of those who availed of the NINJA loans. now these subprime mortgage loans were pooled together and sold as securities that can be traded by those silly funds. and now those mortgage-backed securities were bought in large quantities by the likes of merrill lynch, bear stearns, lehman brothers, and a host of other banks that have disappeared from the face of the earth and some that will soon be facing the same future. wala kasing mapaglagyan ng pera nila eh. atska the returns were attractive enough to attract the greedy and the rich.

now, since these are NINJAs, the possibility of defaulting is high. kaso mo nagsabay-sabay sila. they couldn’t pay off their huge debts because they didn’t have money to begin with. now those funds couldn’t pay the banks who bought the securities (lehman et al). these papers have become worthless. so they have to make billions of write-downs. their books have become dirty plus they now don’t have money. they had to scramble for 1) share sale through the stock market b) borrow big time c) sell themselves to bigger banks to raise cash that they have lost. otherwise they d) die.

since the banking sector had become so wary to lend to anybody = credit crunch. plus they don’t have the money to lend anyway. thus the banks’ reason for being had become zilch. nada. no reason to exist.companies now who need capital to a) continue operating b) to expand operations have nowhere else to go. in an economic environment that is battling with high inflation = raw materials continue to rise, companies need to have bridge loans to buy the needed materials even if these were out of their original budget kasi nga nagmahal. if they can’t borrow, they may have to scrimp somewhere else…aha let’s lay off some people. wages are the easiest expense to let go of. lay-off =  high jobless rate = consumer spending down. ultimately down economy.

this is just a simplistic way of explaining part of what is happening right now.

basically the problem of the world now is that banks, who are supposed to have lots of money (kaya nga hinoholdap sila eh) are running out of money. period. at pag wala ka nang pera, anung gagawin mo? kukyakoy ka na lang?

so gusto mo pang tumira sa america para magka-BMW ka kahit nurse ka lang na ang sinusweldo mo eh US$4,000 a month?

oi, kahit na sabihin mo P188,000 yan a month maliit yan dun. wag ka kasing magcoconvert. me babayaran ka pang $1,500 na monthly rental, $1,000 living expenses (dahil mahal naman talaga sa america o talagang maluho ka) including gas and utilities, $500 pambayad utang (credit cards kasi 5 credit cards mo). tapos magreremit ka pa ng $1,000 monthly. akala nila sa pinas kasi umaanak ka ng ginto sa america so kelangan mong magbigay ng ganyang kalaking halaga. o kaya bumili ka ng condo dyan sa st. francis sa ortigas na halagang P8 million.

so balikan natin yung tito mong mayabang. “sa america, madali kang magkakabahay at kotse!” o sya sige na nga. sino ngayon ang lumuluha sa atin?