I just turned thirty yesterday. I don’t know if that should be cause for celebration.

My mother had me when she was thirty. She was having problems making ends meet then because both she and my father were just university instructors/researchers with 3 kids. They were also pursuing their masters degrees.

I am thirty but it seems like I’m going nowhere.

Didn’t go to work yesterday. I thought i deserved a “news-free” day so I just spent my birthday in bed. The whole day. 90% of the time I was horizontal. Just reading.

At 5pm I went to the salon for hair and make-up and donned a fire-engine red little wrap dress that made me look like i was a hotdog and drove to makati to attend an awards ceremony. of course, i did not win anything.

then i spent the rest of the night with two colleague-friends at ice bar in greenbelt. they danced while most of the time i just watched. my shoes were killing me and i really don’t dance. plus the only button in my dress just popped out so the only thing that was standing in the way between nakedness and the public was the belt i was wearing. it was wiser to sit and just chug beer.

anyway, i spent my birthday the way closer to how i would want it. the past three birthdays were horrible. i was working myself to the ground, those three years. i couldn’t even enjoy the food that the pr people gave me for my colleagues to feast on because i was horribly busy, filing at least 4 stories.

the years prior to that were equally pathetic. in 2005 i was unemployed so i couldn’t even spare myself enough funds for a good massage. i cannot remember the past years before that. probably they were really pathetic.

i am now thirty but it seems like i haven’t changed: i am still the immature, selfish self i had been 10 years ago. maybe that’s why i couldn’t get pregnant. God thinks i am still incapable of being responsible for another human being who would be totally dependent on me.

people keep asking me if i am pregnant/trying to be pregnant. and when i say yes, we’re trying, then they would ask bakit wala pa. “i don’t fucking know!” i wanted to scream.

people are just so nosy.