thank god i am finished with that report that i’ve been working on for 4 months. it has already invaded my life to the point that my thesis was stalled because of it. and what did it gain me?

nothing.

the people i should be affecting were not bothered at all and from what i heard, they virtually ignored me.

i had been snubbed many times but this was the worst. i worked my ass off. put my ass on the line. i did not do it because i can win awards but because i want to make a difference. i wanted to call the attention of those who are in power. and this is what keeps me going, despite the lousy pay. stories like these make me feel alive.

but it seems like my voice is just a small one in the wilderness. because i belong to a school of small fish in a small pond.

—

speaking of pay, somebody called me up yesterday and he was trying to convince me to leave my present job and jump ship. he was pirating me.

i know the pay would be higher—but not that significantly higher. there are employee benefits that are non-existent in my present company.

but i know he is in desperate need. people had been leaving and i think he’s at his wits’ end.

what does the job entail? well, i think i would do field work to cover everything on top of editing jobs. 8 hours a day. no holidays (even holy week). requires me to be glued to my computer screen forever. could not be entitled to a vacation leave for quite some time (company policy). no mentor to speak of. because of the stress i would be experiencing if i take on the job, i think i will never get pregnant.

and Other Half even said it is a dead-end job.

so it seems like i’m already decided that i would stick to my current job.

but what makes me think twice, thrice—maybe a hundred times—is that i maybe i’m making a big mistake in letting this opportunity slip away.

but then again, my gut feel has not let me down so far. i was offered another job around 2 years ago but i turned it down because something was not right deep inside me. had i accepted it, i wouldn’t be here now, doing what i’m doing right now and achieve what i have achieved so far.

what is my gut telling me?